“That went well! Let’s do it again soon.” My friend and I congratulated ourselves and hung up the phone. 

Greg and I had been having Red-Blue conversations for a while, with spotty success. This time, we agreed to discuss mask mandates over the phone for 30 minutes on Friday. 

Thursday night, I realized I had no desire to get into a shouting match the next morning. But it seemed inevitable. 

I emailed Greg a suggestion: let’s start our call briefly discussing why we wanted to have this talk, then talk for 20 minutes about mandates, then end by analyzing how our discussion went.

Greg agreed. It was our best conversation yet. 

In our first 5 minutes, we decided we wouldn’t try to convince the other, just understand why they thought what they did. During our 20-minute talk, when Greg said something that normally would have made my head explode, instead I became curious: what had he heard or seen that made him think so differently from me? 

Wrapping up, we realized our pre-conversation had done two things: we started off agreeing about something, and we created a shared goal. We ended the call feeling more connected, even without agreement on mandates. Life suddenly felt a bit richer.

This holiday, you may have opportunities for similar conversations. Consider planning them in advance. Ask someone if they’re up for it, agree time and place, and have a pre-conversation about the goal and ground rules. In my research, people mainly want to feel listened to and respected rather than attacked. 

Those are good ground rules because they meet some of our inbuilt social needs. We’re hardwired to need to feel respected, connected to others, and treated fairly. When that happens, we are relaxed and open-minded – good for a cross-divide conversation. When that doesn’t, we feel threatened and can shut down or lash out.

Given this neuroscience, here are some helpful phrases. Each shows respect and many switch our brain state from attack mode (“You must be crazy to think that!”) to the curiosity and empathy that help build connection.

We all come to our views through experience: interactions good or bad with police, the healthcare system, immigrants, others. One phrase that helps move past political sound bites to real conversation is: “Tell me more about that.”  A good question to achieve that is: “What experiences have shaped your thinking about that issue?”  

It’s powerful to have someone listen so closely that they can reiterate your thoughts. Saying, “Tell me if I’m getting this. What I think I’m hearing is ….”  is called “reflecting” and not only clears up misunderstandings but also shows respect.

Another good technique is to find even small things you agree about, then use the word “and” to link to your own experience. The word “but” sets up division. “And” invites complexity: ”I agree with you about xxxxx AND I think/ feel yyyyy.”

Things very well might get heated, and this is normal! We’re not used to having our worldviews challenged. While challenge is healthy, it’s also fine to take a break: “I need to think about this. Can we pick this up again later?” 

Finally, keep the conversation grounded in personal experience rather than sweeping judgments. Try to avoid “you” statements, especially when referring to a group, as they create division.

Start with short chats about a small issue and build up to longer discussions. Try out different approaches and analyze what works – and give yourselves the true gift of the season. 

Melinda Burrell, PhD, syndicated by PeaceVoice, trains and speaks on the neuroscience of communication and conflict, and teaches conflict resolution at George Mason University. Her dissertation was on how liberals and conservatives experience talking across political divides.

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