If the title sounds crazy, have a little patience — just wait till you have heard me out.

We have a long tradition: wherever we go with our military, we befriend some of the local population. Unfortunately, those that finally eject us don’t take kindly to this friendship. They have a habit of imprisoning, and worse, executing these ‘collaborators.’ So what can our friends do?

Look what happened in Vietnam. We were defending South Vietnam from the wicked, murderous Commies of the North — now they are sharing noodles together … while we try to cozy up to them. As it is, their brethren who followed us here opened enough restaurants to keep us in noodles. And now they use the money they earn to help out family back in the home country — all the parties eating noodles together for mutual profit. Pity, we didn’t think of this earlier and avoid the needless death of hundreds of thousands, enormous suffering, displacement … all the ravages of war. To what end?

Not only Vietnam, we caused havoc in Laos and Cambodia toppling governments, bombing vast areas, all pointless. The hapless Cambodians ended up with Pol Pot … millions died. You’d think we might have helped them, but no — irony of ironies, our erstwhile enemies, the wicked, murderous Commies of North Vietnam rescued the Cambodians from Pol Pot. Are they all mad at us. Of course not. They are nice people and guess what … you can find plenty of Cambodian restaurants … Laotian too, if you look.

If you think this is an isolated case, think again. The Iraqis are already passing samples in Sam’s Club and manning sandwich counters at Seven-Elevens. Or take the Koreans. Win or lose, we win with the food. The Japanese, the Filipinos, the trend is unmistakable … the Mexicans, now so ingrained it’s adapted into Tex-Mex.

Let’s just cut to the chase: Think of the Revolutionary War. We whacked the British … with the help of the French. The British and their loyalist friends escaped to Canada where they whacked the French. Guess what! We got the Acadian refugees now celebrated for their Cajun cuisine. Well not quite you say. Okay! You’re right Napoleon sold them to us but we got ‘em all the same.

Are you convinced? Well, here we are in Afghanistan … in the middle of both a civil war and a war against occupiers. None of the participants had anything to do with 9/11. Al Qaeda, the remnants — a couple of hundred die-hards — are in Pakistan, not in Afghanistan. So what are we doing there? Oh, we want to deny Al Qaeda a sanctuary in Afghanistan. After what has happened, do we think the Afghans are nuts? Who thinks they’ll let ‘em in, so we can bomb the crap out of ‘em again? Back of the class with you. Go stand in the corner ’till you can get your head straightened out. Oops! that’s the President.

Okay, so all the guys helping us are soon going to be here. Like the South Vietnamese generals, it’s straight into the restaurant business — Karzai’s Kebab and Chop Shop. Of course, his brother has a natural outlet with the cartels — you know what I mean. He’s been one of the largest suppliers of the raw stuff. Now he’ll be going in for vertical integration.

So get those syringes cleaned up — the stuff’s getting cheaper. Knives and forks ready … the kebabs and Afghan Pullau is on its way. And if you’re clean, don’t ask for hash browns as a side order!

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