A large demonstration was held today, on 22 March 2003, at the American Embassy in New Delhi. The demonstration was going on expected lines as speaker after speaker condemned the American action in Iraq, till a most unexpected event occurred. A spokesman of the British High Commission arrived and wanted to address the protestors. The organizers graciously extended permission to him to do so.

The protestors, however, were very angry at this and determined not to let the man have his say. Chaos reigned for several minutes as the protestors shouted the man down. For a while it even seemed that the whole thing would turn ugly and violent. Wiser counsels prevailed, however, and the man was allowed to speak. I report below, verbatim, his statement:

“Ladies and gentlemen, the American embassy is very concerned about your protest gathering. President George W. Bush himself has been following these protest gatherings across the world. We are all very concerned. I am a spokesman of the British High Commission. I have been sent here in order to explain the American position to you.

“Actually, Mr Blair wanted to come here himself. But there are too many protests across the whole world, and there is no way that he can be present at every one of them to explain Mr Bush’s stand. So he sent me instead. You see, Mr Blair is very loyal. More loyal than the king. He has even proposed to amend our national anthem to ‘God Save the King’.

“We are very concerned. We are concerned that you are denying America’s democratic rights. The real test of any democracy is the rights accorded to minorities. President Bush is always very concerned about the rights of minorities. He is therefore delighted that even though Mr Blair has won the vote in the House of Commons, he is clearly in the minority in the Labour Party as well as in Britain at large.

“Indeed, President Bush himself is also very much in the minority. Because while the anti-war protestors across the globe number millions, he numbers only one. Some claim that if judged by intellectual ability, he numbers zero. But this is a disputed claim, and we have no intention of sending UN inspectors to find the truth, since you will appreciate that it is highly embarrassing to discover an empty warhead right inside the White House.

“As I was saying, President Bush is very much in the minority – in the world, in the Security Council, and indeed in America itself. In fact, he even won his election by minority. As the head – empty or otherwise – of the tiniest minority in the whole world, you will appreciate that it is President Bush’s democratic right to bomb Iraq. I am sure I don’t have to tell you the reason – you can read between the pipelines.

“President Bush is very concerned about this protest. Indeed, it is my great privilege to inform you that he has decided to come all the way to India to explain his stand to you. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome President George W. Bush.”

The large crowd of protestors was shocked and awed. A hush descended on the scene. Someone started singing a song to welcome the great man.

George Bush, We Salute You!

Welcome President, we salute you
We salute Your Excellency
Your essential decency
Your inadvertent coherency
Oh living necromancy
We salute you!

We salute your democratic vision
Your total hate of reason
Your vivid confusion
Oh logical delusion
We salute you!

We salute your actions inept
Your capacity for imagining fact
Your illogical concept
Oh weapon of mass decept
We salute you!

We salute your daddy’s commandment
A dutiful son in government
Iraq’s democratic bombardment
Your alibi of disarmament
We salute you!

We salute you without comment
Oh empty head intelligent
We salute you without hesitant
God save our great President
We salute you!

As the song ended, President Bush took the microphone. He had a gun in his hand. Reproduced below is his speech, word for word.

“Hi. I don’t have a written speech. I asked my Vice President to write one for me. He refused. He’s a real dick. He said, ‘Mr President, you don’t need words. So long as you have a gun.’

“Now, you may wonder why I have come here with a gun. You see, before coming here, I phoned my daddy. I said to my daddy: ‘Daddy, I am going to India.’ My daddy said to me: ‘Be careful son. You are from the wild west. Beware of the injuns.’ I said to my daddy: ‘Don’t worry daddy. I never misunderestimate my adversity.’

“Sorry. I got that wrong. I mean I never misunderestimate my adversary. . . Sorry. I mean I always misunderstand my diversity. . . Sorry. I mean I never misstate my synchronicity. . .  Sorry. I mean I never underestimate my idioticity. . . Sorry. I mean . . . you know what I mean.

“But don’t be scared of this gun. It is not a weapon of mass destruction. Those are for Saddam. I bring here only weapons of mass deception.

“I am very concerned about your protest. You believe that Iraq has no weapons of mass destruction because those inspectors could not find any. They are stupid. They are blind. They kept looking in factories and military establishments, when the weapon of mass destruction was right there, all along, in front of them. Saddam.

“I know that world opinion is against this war. So I called my advisors and I said to them: ‘The rest of the world thinks we are wrong.’ Dick didn’t know what ‘think’ is. Colin didn’t know what ‘wrong’ is. And Donald didn’t know what ‘rest of the world’ is.

“This war is not against a country. This war is not against a religion. This war is to destroy weapons of mass destruction. This war did not start with Iraq. And it will not end with Iraq. We are committed to fight this war across all continents, in each and every country on this planet. Because, you see, there are weapons of mass destruction in all countries of the world.

“Now you may wonder at that. But let me tell you, we have deep and broad evidence. The CIA has compiled a big fat dossier on a new weapon of mass destruction that is being assembled in a million different locations across the globe. Just this morning I was talking to Tony, and he told me how this weapon has terrorized his party. He says some terrorized ministers have resigned from his cabinet. Apparently even his best cook has resigned.

“Now, that got me thinking. I said, what’s cooking? And as I sat there thinking – it hurts, I admit, but I do it every once in a while – that Spanish fella called me. What’s his name – Aznaro, I think. Or is it Pizzaro? I know it’s not Picasso. That’s the singer. Anyway, he said many members of his parliament have been terrorized by this weapon. Then that Danish chap – forget his name – called to say that his face was reddened in a terrorist attack. And that Aussie – you know who I mean – called to say he can’t use his front door any more for he fears a terrorist attack using this weapon of mass destruction.

“And even back home in the US of A, I find this weapon of mass destruction rearing its ugly head in more than two hundred cities across the country.

“A weapon of greater power cannot be imagined. It is a weapon that has shaken empires, ground them to dust. Come to think of it, as I look at you, I find that weapon right here. And I am determined to crush it. Come what may. From Bom-bay to the USA.”

And, to underline his resolve, President Bush broke into rap.

Georgie rap

The fact is with subliminal tactics
We establish hegemony across the atlas
Blow those who oppose us to dust and ashes
Oil – big business and cash is what the clash is
I follow my science and diabolical thesis
Blow you up and leave you with the pieces
I talk about freedom and good and evil in my speeches
The make believe increases
On a daily basis
My white TV faces
Disgrace the coloured races
And erases the traces
Like hushed up rape cases
I never knew shame
I’m way ahead in the game
The money and the fame
I can make you feel pain
Worse than a million migraine
I sold my soul
Now I reign supreme
Your worst nightmare is my American dream
I make the world burn like gasoline
It used to be
God save the queen
But now it is
God save America
From the KKK to the USA
God save America
From the CIA to the USA
God save America
From Baghdad to Bombay
God save America.

Sudhanva Deshpande is a playwright, actor and director with the New Delhi based street theatre group, Jana Natya Manch. He wishes to state that the above is an eyewitness account, as objective as it is verifiable. He can be reached at deshsud@rediffmail.com.

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