[Washington] The surprise resignation of the forty-third President of the United States, George W. Bush, on the second anniversary of the terrorist attack on America, was hailed by chiefs of state throughout the world. Mr. Bush announced that after, “two years of bloodshed, economic devastation, and spreading fear in America and abroad,” he saw no choice but to accept that, “I have held a title which I did not win, and for which I have proven unqualified.”

The text of the former President’s September 11 address to the nation follows:
 
“My fellow Americans:

I come to you tonight with a heavy heart. Two years ago today, thousands of innocent Americans were murdered by terrorist maniacs.

In the script I’ve been handed, I’m now supposed to tell you that America is safer today, and that the world is kinder and nicer and happier, because of I’m such a brilliant general in the War on Terror.

But who are we kidding? Yesterday, Osama released his new hit video. The terrorists are having a picnic ever since I turned over our foreign policy to Saudi Arabia and Exxon-Mobil.

And here’s the point in my speech where my handlers would have me tell you about how I’ve been praying hard, making it sound like I just got off the phone with the Lord. I don’t know about you, but I find it pretty darn offensive, downright blasphemous, to drag the Lord’s name into every cheap campaign speech and chest-pounding war threat. Osama says he talks to God too. Let’s leave Him out of the politics from now on, OK?

Look, in my speech this past Sunday, I used the word “democracy” about 11 times when talking about Iraq. It’s democracy Florida-style, I suppose. Except we’re not fixing the vote this time … we aren’t letting these people vote at all. “Iraqis aren’t prepared for democracy.” That’s what Dick Cheney and Saddam Hussein told me.

So we’re blowing 100 billion bucks we don’t have to colonize a country we don’t want. Rummy tries to explain it to me each morning — oil this and oil that — but I just don’t see it. And one of our kids dying there every day – where are their parents, anyway? My dad didn’t let that happen – he got me out of the service. Didn’t I look neat in that fly-boy suit?

And, let me tell you, I just looked at our nation’s piggy bank. Uh-oh.

When I arrived, the last guy left me $4 trillion and said, “Be careful with all that cash in this neighborhood.” Well, I have to level with you, America: it’s all gone. The cupboard’s bare and this year alone we blew half a trillion more dollars than we have in our bank account. Man, I can’t believe I went through all that dough stone sober.

And what did we get for it? A Fatherland Security Department that’s trying to read the labels on everyone’s underpants. Think about it, all this Total Information Awareness KGB stuff: two years ago Americans were the victims – but my government has made Americans the suspects. I don’t know about you, but this guy Ashcroft scares the bejeezus out of me.

And today I’m told that over nine million Americans are out of work. That’s not so bad: I haven’t done much work in my lifetime either. But my mama explained to me that not everyone’s daddy can lend them an oil well to tide them over.

It’s like I can’t get anything right. The lights are going out in Ohio and the North Pole is melting. I don’t get it. I appointed all those regulators that Ken Lay told me to, and I got rid of all the rules that got in the way of patriotic Polluter-Americans …. and what’s the upshot? America the Beautiful is looking like she’s had a pretty rough night. Won’t be long before the whole country smells like Houston.

And now the stock market’s floating face down in the swimming pool – despite everything I’ve done for those guys on Wall Street. Even my plan to give every millionaire an extra million seems to have backfired. Greenspam says I’ve created “business risk.” Says I spook investors. But when I asked Greenspam for a solution, all he did was hand me a bag of pretzels.

Hey, I can take a hint. OK, I’m over my head on this one. I look back over these last years, and what have I got to show you for it: two years of bloodshed, economic devastation, and spreading fear in America and abroad.

When I ran for this office, I said the issue was, “character.” And just look at the characters around me. I’ve gotten all their resignations today. And while I’ve got some character left, here’s my own good-bye note too. Let’s face it: I have held a title which I did not win, and for which I have proven unqualified. You know it. And I know it.

It’s at this point in the speech where I’m supposed to say, “And may God bless America.” God better, because Dick Cheney won’t. Don’t panic: I’m not turning over this sacred office to Mr. Contracts-R-Us.

Instead, I’ve petitioned the United States Supreme Court to pick a President for us. Those guys picked the last one, why not the next one?

And so, my fellow Americans, you can take this job and ….”

Here, Mr. Bush’s words became unintelligible. As usual.

 

 

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