Welcome
to Hotel Satire, where gals gather to learn to be the passive twits
that nature intended them to be. Here at the hotel, we gals worry
about what femlesbiangals have been doing to destroy this great
country of ours. Especially post September 11, which was, in large
part, the fault of gals. Bush II had us worried as well when he
said he was bombing and killing Afghan people (including gals and
children) in part to liberate the very same Afghan gals. Frankly,
we think Afghan gals are models of how all gals should be treated
(as virtual slaves) and freeing them would be a huge mistake.
We
also worried because of the rise in popularity of thin-as-a-rail
gals who kick ass, and look sexy while doing it—like the gals
in Crouching Tiger, Alias, and Tomb Raider. These
gals are upsetting the God-given order of things, not to mention
our beloved democracy— that is, men kick ass, gals get their
asses kicked.
Then
one day we were glancing through the 500 catalogues we received
in the mail daily and we happened to notice one from Entertainment
Earth. They were selling Action Figures, Toys, and Collectibles.
We realized that post 9-11 is about action. Post 9-11 is a reclaiming
of masculinity, the very essence of taking action, i.e., bombing
civilians, stirring up nuclear showdowns, waging wars, taking revenge,
denying people their rights, and so forth.
The
Satire gals realized we needed, in this post 9-11 period, to instill
in our kids (and by kids we mean boys) the importance of bombing
and killing (a dash of dismembering) as part of their birthright.
While Hollywood summer movies do a good job in that department,
still more is needed to fight this crouching feminist takeover.
What better way to teach boys the action message than to make sure
they have plenty of action figures (and accompanying projectile-
shaped accessories) to play at shooting, maiming, and dismembering,
not to metion treating gals as sex objects/passive twits.
Let’s
be clear, here. Action figures are intended for boys, basically.
Otherwise they’d be called dolls and would be primarily available
in pink. Let’s take a look at some of the action figures we
purchased for our kids, and what lessons they teach.
For
Our Boys
First,
of course, in honor of September 11, we ordered the Search and Rescue
Firefighter. We liked the post 9-11 lesson inherent in this warlike
(clearly male) firefighter: “You mess with me (or the U.S.)
and I will hack you to death.”
Next
we purchased the Star Wars 25th Anniversary 3-Pack, with Obi-Wan
Kenobi & Darth Vader’s final duel. This action figure helps
teach our boys that black is evil, white is good —something
that had been forgotten pre-September 11. Along with the final duel
action figures we also purchased the lightsaber.
This
saber, with its spewing, white sperm- like matter will help teach
boys the ever-important connection between sperm and shooting weapons
of destruction just for the hell of it.
Then
we ordered the SWAT figure set, including: Sniper, Team Commander,
Night Operator, Police Officer, Assault Member, and Breacher. This
set teaches the necessary division of labor required for searching,
seizing, and assaulting, a chain of command that makes up a “team.”
It also gets our boys (future CEOs all) used to the idea that they’ll
need to have heavy firepower on ready alert so as to invade factories,
offices, homes, sports events, even kindergarten classrooms, on
the chance that they may be harboring terrorists—if we are
to protect our freedoms.
Next
we ordered the Platoon series so that we could, yet again,
teach that the Vietnam war was a good thing because it featured
Charlie Sheen and Tom Berenger looking cool and carrying some very
large guns projecting from their crotches.
With
the X-Files Action set we wanted to communicate two important messages:
(1) that government agencies are cool and caring; (2) that gals,
when they are included in action figure sets, should always be half
or mostly nude, and ready to service males, whether it be for some
light titilation or cooking up some barbecued chicken. This will
assist boys in growing up to be the heterosexual warlike individuals
that nature intended them to be.
The
King of Fighters set of Kyo Kusanagi, et al, is to remind Asian
boys that they need to look as Caucasion as possible (but not as
strong and manly) if they want their own action figures, and to
confirm that gals were put on this earth to look good, while showing
cleavage and being ready for the ass kicking they so richly deserve
when they step out of line.
The
Scult Wave 1 set, including Gung Ho and Destro, Heavy Duty and Claws,
Wet Suit and Cobra Moray, Frostbite and Neo-Viper, Snake Eyes and
Storm Shadow, and Duke and Cobra Commander can help teach boys that
no matter where they are or what they choose to do in life (swim,
ski, travel, build things, whatever), there is an outfit and a weapon
to go with it.
For
Our Girls
As
far as our gals go, we ordered the all important Perfect Body doll
for our girls. The great thing about this item is that girls can
choose their own chest size! This doll helps gals ages 4 to 12 obsess
about their bodies and breast sizes and prevents them learning or
doing anything of any consequence whatsoever.
The
Rojo Piquena figure is the Latin Little Red Riding Hood and lets
Latino gals know that (a) at $9.99 Latino gals aren’t worth
that much; (b) being frightened most of the time is a good look
for gals, ethnic or otherwise.
Of
course, if you can only afford one doll for your little gals, then
make it the Cinderella Barbie. The Cinder story is as relevant now
as it was thousands of years ago. In today’s world, what gal
wouldn’t dream of one day growing up to find her prince had
come—in the form of Platoon guys or SWAT guys or New Scupt
Wave 1 guys or Star Wars guys—and that he brought lots of firepower
with him.
Z
Lydia
Sargent is co- founder and staff of Z Magazine, Z Video,
and Z Media Institute.
