W

elcome to
Hotel Satire where gals come to learn how to be the pretty little
things they were ordained by God to be (we don’t know how exactly,
but men have told us so—and they are in close touch with Him
on a daily basis). 

We have been noticing lately that gals’ health is a big concern.
We’re not sure why, since gals outlive men by seven years or
so, but no matter. At first, we admit, all the articles and ads
about products to help gals’ improve their health seemed to
be an excuse for showing “gorgeous” nude fashion model
types (who clearly have no need for the services being offered)
on the “Six O’Clock News,” Discovery Channel,

Time,

and

Business Week,

among other media outlets

.

We also
noticed that a lot of the so-called health news for gals was about
plastic/cosmetic surgery, in particular, rearranging our breasts
and vaginas. We’re not sure why these help gals live longer,
healthier lives, but what the heck. 

The extensive media coverage of the health and beauty benefits of
plastic surgery prompted us to take a fresh look at our own Hotel
Satire program for turning gals into pretty little things, which
includes: (1) getting a man to provide and protect us from….other
men (if this sounds a little stupid, that’s because it is);
(2) getting a complete makeover so we can resemble as closely as
possible either Cinderella or Marilyn Monroe or both (when we’re
under 40) and one of the gals on “Desperate Housewives”
(when we’re over 40). 

What more, you ask, could possibly be requiredalerosity—beyond the above important points? Well, let’s face
it, we need more than a new lipstick, skin cream, and hair color
to break the current feminazi stranglehold on gals, we need surgery.
Yes, we need, among other things, a Brazilian Butt Fill, with state
of the art fat grafting!!! 

At the Hotel Satire Plastic and Reconstructive Surgery wing, we’ve
got a fully equipped surgicenter for performing the reconstruction
that you need to be the gal your man wants you to be. Yes, we can
exfoliate, microdermabrase, and peel. We can firm, optimize, smooth,
reduce, and contour. We can remove, relocate, redo, and rejuvenate.
We can lipo, rhino, and grafto. We can tissue tighten, face lift,
tummy tuck, breast reduce, and fat transfer. We can do all of these
and more on any part of your body, including improving drooping
eyelids, decaying vaginas, and crumbling hymens. You can go online
and see pictures of the results! (Hey, we’re not making this
up. You can actual focus your newly undrooped eyeballs on a
newly renovated crotch!)  

We call our program the Fitpack, inspired by Guitay’s Wellbox
body optimizer (as advertised in

New York

magazine). Here’s
a testimonial. “I knew I looked more like Marilyn Manson than
Marilyn Monroe so I was really curious about your new Fitpack. But
something kept holding me back [like an irrational fear of having
your vagina cut open?]. So I talked to my doctor and she told me
to try the Hotel Satire program on a limited basis, maybe start
with Botoxing my frown lines and see how that went. After all, a
few tiny injections can last up to four months!!!  I talked
with my friend Janey and she said that 80 percent of the treatments
are moderate or better! She was in the 20 percent who didn’t
benefit, so she still looked like she was frowning all the time,
but no matter. Anyway, I decided to try it and liked the Botoxing
so much, I got the works. Am I glad I did. My husband doesn’t
even recognize my face—or my vagina. Thank you, Satire gals.” 

Yes, Gals, we make your five week stay, with rejuvenating visits
for years to come, as pleasant as possible. We even have psych consults.
After all, you’re being cut, sucked, and injected. When you
think of it, the process is kinda like Bush in Iraq—some invasive
shock and awe, some surgical strikes, a continued presence of advisers
and experts to repair and redo in a process of reconstruction and
domination without end. We even have access to new body shortening
techniques as used in Abu Ghraib torture chambers! We’ve also
got embedded reporters to help write about (promote) this surgical
invasion of gals as a health benefit. 

And, like the U.S. invasion and occupation of Iraq, should there
be resistance to Fitpack’s revolutionary reconstruction technology,
then we administer a full lobotomy. Whoopie! 

For all you pretty little things out there in need of improving
you health (wink, wink), this month’s special is the Brazilian
Butt Fill; only $500 per cheek. That’s half off the regular
price!

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Lydia
Sargent is an actor, playwright, and co-founder of South End Press
and Z. She is currently a member of the Z staff.