According to C.I.A. director John Brennan, the quota for creating new ISIS recruits is falling behind, and “this threatens an ominous and even crippling ’enemy vacuum’ for the United States.”
Even though U.S. drone strikes continue to kill scores of innocent people, not enough of their relatives are seeking revenge by becoming suicide bombers, hence a dearth of helpful propaganda for the war on terror.
Compounding the problem is a heretofore unknown whistleblower going by the name of Truth Teller. Teller’s revelations include internal C.I.A. studies confirming that “the primary grievance motivating terrorism is Western and especially U.S. military intervention and occupation in the Muslim world.” He or she goes on to assert that “revealing this finding would undermine public support for Washington’s policy, threaten our control of the region’s natural resources and curtail profits flowing to the military-industrial complex.”
And while the massive surge of refugees created by U.S. intervention in several countries has stoked the xenophobia essential for fear-mongering, officials worry that “it has yet to produce enough bona fide ‘I Hate America’ sandals on ground.”
Faced with the dire crisis, the C.I.A. has proposed Operation: Keep Fear Alive, under which desperately poor, homeless, and angry Muslims can volunteer to be drone strike victims. Each one must film a video during which they vow to behead Americans, shout “Allah akbar,” and agree to be easy targets. The family of each deceased will receive $75,000 dollars, an all-expense paid trip to Disney World and a private audience with Mickey Mouse.
Apparently, the C.I.A’s most vexing moral issue is that the agency might be engaging in unfair labor practices. At present, the offer is only being extended to Muslims; but, according to Teller’s leaked documents, “Contingent on future events, the agency does not rule out tweaking the program so that non-Muslims may avail themselves of this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.”
According to Director Brennan, the projected cost of the program is $750 million, but, given the urgency of the terrorist shortage, the budget is open-ended. Whatever the cost, officials consider it a “trifling sum” if it serves to legitimate U.S. national security interests, including the Pentagon’s $1 trillion budget.
Finally, as they proceed with this ruse, one member of U.S. national security establishment betrays officialdom’s contempt for ordinary citizens by quoting H.L. Mencken’s assertion that “nobody ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American public.”
Gary Olson, Ph.D., is a member of the Political Science Department at Moravian College in Bethlehem, PA. Contact: olsong@moravian.edu
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4 Comments
Of course there is always a grain of truth behind any jest.
Thom,
I should have stated that the entire piece was a satire.
Gary
Sharp bit of satirical work, Gary.
In exchange for changing my middle name to “Death-to-America” and growing a beard and dressing up rather like a character from a 19th oil painting of “the Orient” the CIA are providing my family with an all expenses paid week in Disney, PARIS (the CIA balked at that destination – you know how unpatriotic the French can be when it comes to American values – but have promised to pay up).
I’m contemplating the full hell-fire drone strike option against myself, which will entail a preparatory move into a peaceful Muslim community in my city for full propaganda impact purposes, but want to be assured that there will be no “collateral” damage and am trying to guestimate how high I can go in my compensating demands.
You must be joking – pulling our leg with this statement:
” the C.I.A’s most vexing moral issue is that the agency might be engaging in unfair labor practices. At present, the offer is only being extended to Muslims; but, according to Teller’s leaked documents, “Contingent on future events, the agency does not rule out tweaking the program so that non-Muslims may avail themselves of this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.”
Otherwise these people must be truly insane.