Welcome to Hotel Satire where gals come to learn “How to be a Decorative Appendage.” Never has it been more necessary to teach gals their place, as assigned by God (in the Bible somewhere). Yes, too many gals are out there in the world, expressing themselves, running things, making decisions.
Take, for instance, the recent appointment of the first gal ever to head Harvard University—Drew Gilpin Faust. What were they thinking? Don’t they realize that a gal as head of a university is evil incarnate? Her name is Faust, for chrissakes. Plus there’s a reason men have been in charge of Harvard since its founding in 1636—because God said they should. Doesn’t that gal realize her place is to take care of her man and his offspring? That gal should have listened to her mom who told her (as reported in the New York Times, February 12), “It’s a man’s world, sweetie, and the sooner you learn that, the better off you’ll be.”
Isn’t that gal astronaut lesson enough about what gals get up to if let out of the house? The feminist media was busy touting Sunita Williams—the gal astronaut who spent more time in space than any other gal—with articles like, “One Small Step for Man, One Giant Leap for Womankind.” Then the news hit of another gal astronaut, Lisa Marie Nowak, who “allegedly” attacked another gal astronaut over a male astronaut. Lisa has since been charged with attempted murder, in addition to attempted kidnapping, battery, vehicle burglary, and destruction of evidence. Apparently, Lisa drove from Texas at 1:00 AM to meet this gal astronaut she had a thing for. In the car, she had a knife, a steel mallet, a BB pistol, rubber tubing, plastic bags, and black gloves. Hmm. We bet NASA rues the day they were forced by commie feminists to accept gals into the space program. We were all warned about this back in the 1980s in that movie…
Fatal Affliction? Fatal Ablution?…whatever.
The message then and now was and is: gals who seek fulfillment through a career become psychotic lesbians and/or psychotic murderers.
Another affront to essential galness is the recently-released statistic that “51% of Women Now Live Without A Spouse at Home” as compared with “35% in 1950 and 49% in 2000.” Says one of these women, who divorced after being married for 35 years: “A gentleman asked me to marry him and I said no. I told him, ‘I’m just beginning to fly again; I’m just beginning to be me. Don’t take that away’.” What the heck does that mean: beginning to fly and also to be me? There is no me where gals are concerned; there is no flying. Flitting maybe. And gals can be somewhat “me” until puberty, then they assume true galness, which is to serve some man or other and “be” whatever he wants them to be. GET it?
Another trend that’s causing agony at Hotel Satire is that radical Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito. Associated Press writer Matt Reed reported on February 7 that Alito told a university class that the U.S. Supreme Court will eventually have as many female justices as it does male. Not only that, but law schools now have enrollments of at least 50 percent gals and that a greater number of women lawyers and judges will advance to higher courts within a generation.
Wha? Gals making legal decisions? No, true galness means deciding between beef or chicken for dinner, after consulting a man for his preferences. By the way, there’s a reason the statue that represents justice, which appears in front of many court buildings, is a gal. It’s because gals who appear in public should be like statues—silent and draped.
Speaking of draping, another example of scandalous anti-galness comes from the fashion world, which can be counted on to treat gals properly—i.e., posed half-naked and draped, usually in clothes that hinder their ability to move, speak, or see. But not this year. It seems that the top Spanish fashion show in Madrid (on February 11) rejected five gal models for being TOO THIN!?! It seems the show decided in September 2006 that gals below a body mass to height ratio of 18 can’t take part. That means they excluded a model gal who was 5’10” and weighed 110 pounds. Are they kidding? That gal is clearly overweight and needs to DIET.
Excuse us, but how can any gal be too thin? Besides thin is not only about weight, it’s also about whether a gal can stand up and move about in the world. The more prone to catching a chill and tripping and fainting a gal is the better.
When we get agitated about the state of galness in the world, we head to the Hotel Satire Internet Café and immerse ourselves in the thousands of websites and email messages that demean gals or treat them like food products to be savored or that point out gals’ many imperfections requiring surgical makeovers. We revel in emails and websites that enable men to “locate submiiiiiiissssive women online. We have the nation’s largest inventory.”
We are thrilled that so much attention has been paid to Anna Nicole Smith who died (mysteriously?) at 39. She made a name for herself by posing and looking good enough to snack on. She was Playmate of the Year, married an 89-year-old billionaire and fought for his money all the way to the Supreme Court. She made photos of her son (in the hospital room where he died) available to In Touch magazine. And videos of her Ceasarian section are available on YouTube. While we don’t favor all of this kind of behavior, Anna’s true galness got way more attention than the Faustian head of Harvard, as it should.
We also daily immerse ourselves in the many Christian and/or rightwing websites. They have a lot to teach about true galness. A particular favorite is the Clare Boothe Luce Policy Institute website, with its mission of “Inspiring women, discovering leaders, changing lives.” There’s all kinds of stuff about how terrible feminism is because, uh, it is about inspiring women and changing lives. Wait. That can’t be right. Anyway, they list lots of interesting books and also talk about their campaign to expose feminism as harmful.
Interesting reads are What Our Mothers Didn’t Tell Us by Daniel Crittenden, about how young women’s mothers’ feminism “seeped into their minds like intravenous saline into the arm of an unconscious patient”; or Women Who Make the World Worse by Kate O’Beirne who charges the feminist movement with responsibility for assorted social ills, from broken families to increased risk to the military with female recruits. Women who’ve made the world worse include Hillary Clinton, Gloria Steinem, Maureen Dowd, and Ruth Bader Ginsberg.
We also enjoyed “Media Aids Liberals’ Fight to Demean Marriage” by Thomas Sowell who tells us on Townhall.com that liberal papers report “marriage is like a prison sentence, complete with the old-fashioned leg irons with a chain connected to a heavy metal ball, so that the prisoner cannot escape. This picture of marriage and a family as a burden is not peculiar to the New York Times or the San Francisco Chronicle. It is common among the intelligentsia of the left.”
A must read is “Feminism Killed Chivalry” where Dr. Laura, in an interview with Joan Swirsky, reminds us that “the feminist movement did not originally focus on equal pay for equal work, but rather on ‘how marriage, husbands, men in general, and children in specific were the enemies and oppressors of true womanhood.’ The movement not only promoted man hatred, but self-loathing in women ‘of nurturing breast, life-producing wombs, and an emotionally sensitive, nurturing spirit’.” It’s wonderful that gals like Dr. Laura have the time and the gumption to write and lecture and so forth. Although, we hope they aren’t neglecting their families and their sensitive, nurturing spirits. Perhaps they need to visit Hotel Satire where we offer a class for “Gals who have opinions and write about them may be killing their life-producing wombs.”
By the way, we loved their idea of raising funds by offering The Great American Conservative Women pinup calendar. Nothing says leadership and inspiration like posing draped or, in the case of the NRA gal pictured here, sexily toting what the text refers to as a “peacemaking” pistol. Although isn’t that going to hurt her nurturing breast? No matter.
We ended our web session by ordering some of the conservative T-shirts at ThoseShirts.com. There’s the shirt with that sexy Ann Coulter quote, “We should invade their countries, kill their leaders, and covert them to Christianity.” There’s the one with a line through Hillary Clinton that says “Re-Defeat Communism.” And one for babies that says “I survived Roe v. Wade.”
It is so soothing to spend an hour or two a day exploring the Internet for all the ways gals are treated as inventory or featured semi-naked and available, or posed as if in the middle of coitus, or sold to
or for sale themselves. As Faust’s mom said years ago, “It’s a man’s world, sweetie, and the sooner you learn that, the better off you’ll be.”
Lydia Sargent is co-founder and staff member of Z. She is also a playwright, actor, and director.
